I had a bad day yesterday. But in the end, it turned out pretty well. Confused?! Read on!
Weigh in revealed that I was still 82 and, while I was not surprised, I was a bit sad about it. Before, I felt like I was so close to goal and nothing could stop me - now I felt like I'd stalled, big time, and what was the point. I had a decent, healthy breakfast, read a few blogs, left a few comments - including one that I should have listened to myself - and then had a tiring morning cleaning and waiting for the mechanic to come and pick up our car so it can get fixed, after a week of sitting in the driveway. They said they'd be there "sometime before lunch". I wanted to go for a walk, but couldn't, because they didn't show up until 1.30 and by that time it was raining. So I was pissed off about that.
Then I made myself some lunch and it was a disaster (it was a recipe I hadn't tried before, so I won't be putting that into Skinny Latte's Cookbook, no sir!). So I wondered what on earth to have instead, because we're a bit Mother Hubbard at the moment - pay day isn't until Wednesday. What I really wanted was a toasted cheese sandwich. But then I thought no, I'll have the leftover Vegetable Moussaka, it's healthier - well, maybe, but after a few days in the fridge it didn't taste very good! I had half of it, chucked the rest out. Then I tucked into the rest of the light vanilla icecream, a Cherry Ripe bar we'd had in the fridge since Christmas, and 4 Ferrero Rochers. I smushed them all up into the icecream and ate it while watching a tape of Gilmore Girls. It tasted fantastic, until I finished it. It sat like like a stone in my stomach. I did some calculations and worked out that I'd just had 18 points, just in the icecream and chocolate!! If I'd just had the toasted cheese sandwich, it might not have happened - but who knows. But man, did I feel low after that.
I started to think that maybe my scales are botched, and I really am still 103.5kg. So I sat for a while, just with my journal, and thought - Why am I doing this to myself? After everything that I've achieved, and after everything I've preached to other people, why am I giving up on myself, when I am so close to goal? Why am I going back to the old habits when I have healthy new ones that make me feel so much better? I received some beautiful emails over the weekend from some people who have read my blog, and I was so honoured and flattered by their words - and after my icecream binge I felt like such a fraud.
I wrote for a while and reading over my words I realised that I am in control. The fact that I am having these thoughts after these setbacks shows how far I've come. The old Philippa would not have thought twice about an icecream binge - it was a regular thing for her. The fact that I am questioning why I did it, and how I can avoid it in future, says a lot about how far I've come. I must seem like such a hypocrite to you all, after all my hoo-hah about why I'm still doing this and how much I love my life now, how anything is possible. I still believe all those things, but my problem at the moment is that I seem to oscillate between being this superwoman type woman who says "I can do it!" to this sad little thing who wallows in self pity, who isn't sure who she is, what she wants or where she belongs.
Even with all the self pity, I knew very well there was no way I was going to go back to where I was a year ago. The reason I have stuck with it, through all the hard times and disappointments, is because I didn't want to be like that anymore.
So, with the icecream and chocolate still heavy in my stomach, I went to the computer and did some motivational signs to hang on my fridge. I have six kilograms to go until I reach my WW goal. Not sixteen. Not twenty six. Six. I want to be confronted with that fact all the time, and be reminded of how far I've come. I've also followed M's example and written up a chart for a challenge. While I wrote it, it felt wonderful to have concrete things, in words, on paper, for me to work towards. Things that felt right for me, things that felt achievable. Often I fall into the trap of trying to reach other people's goals, doing things that might be right for them but not necessarily right for me. So I've set myself the task of achieving my goal weight of 76kg by Easter - approximately 10 weeks away. 6kg in 10 weeks. I think it's definitely possible! Even if I don't quite make it, at least I'll be somewhere, not still hovering or worse yet, gaining. The only thing I want to gain is MY GOAL!! My motivational goal sign and my challenge guidelines are now on my fridge for all to see:
My guidelines for my challenge are based on M's and Ashwee's (thanks for the inspiration girls!):
Eat • I am allowed 154 points a week, or 22 per day. This drops to 20 per day or 140 per week once I am below 80kg. DO NOT EXCEED THIS. • Eat foods that are good for my body • Ensure that the points I consume are made up of balanced food groups • Enjoy my food, try different things, vary the meals, keep the body guessing • Drink at least 3 bottles of water per day • Do not drink diet soft drinks except on the weekend • Restrict alcohol - Friday nights or special occasions only
Move • Wake up each day, excited about being able to exercise • Do at least one form of cardiovascular exercise per day • Include running in every power walk that I do • Focus on toning as well as losing fat
Think • Encourage others as they encourage me • Accept myself for who I am, and where I am • Acknowledge how much I have achieved and how close to goal I am • Remind myself constantly that I will be successful, and I deserve to be so.
I finished the day off well yesterday with a 30 minute power walk and run, half an hour of yoga, lots of water and a low point dinner. Including the icecream binge, I finished on 30.5 points yesterday. With my allowable 154 points for the week, I can remedy the damage I did by sticking to 20.5 points a day for the rest of the week. Apart from running to the toilet every fifteen minutes for most of the night (!), I went to sleep feeling very happy.
The journals I love the most are not only the ones that are well written and fun to read, but the ones that are honest. Everyone on a weight loss journey will tell you that some days are harder than others. I seem to have been having more hard days than easy ones lately. But what I am learning is that I just have to keep going, no matter how hard it is, no matter how slow the progress. Because I have to. This is how I live life now. There's no going back. If I walk away from it now, if I give up now, then I haven't learned anything.
And life is so much better this way, let's face it!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Trying to escape from Plateau Land
82 - I'm sick of you! I've officially entered Plateau Land - yet again! I'm going to make a concerted effort this week to:
• Track consistently, every day, not just when I remember;
• Move my butt and up the cardio - although that has been bloody hard on 40 degree days!;
• Cut out all junk and treats that I have been having far too much of lately.
Next week is my last weigh in for January (can you believe it's February next week?!) so I would like some loss, not to have the stats section saying 0.00!!
I guess it could be worse - at least I've maintained. I've had a lot on my plate lately (both literally and figuratively!!) but I know that's no excuse. Life happens and time keeps passing, and everything I do will either bring me closer to my goal or further away from it. The buck stops with me.
Yesterday, I spent the day with Brooke and her friend, fellow scrapper, Ali, trawling east Melbourne's scrapping shops, and visiting Brooke's mum and sister. What a great day!
As Brooke drove me home, we talked about the things in our lives that are so much better now that we've lost weight. Brooke wanted me to write a list of all of them, to inspire her, and to keep myself motivated.
So, here it is:
• 1. I am healthier and happier than I have ever been in my life. Even though I have been thinner, I have never felt more healthy, more fit and more in charge of my destiny;
• 2. I am far more honest with people. I open up more, whereas I used to keep everything to myself, bottle up my feelings and never let anyone in;
• 3. I have more energy (except in 40 degree heat!);
• 4. I look for excuses to be active - I walk everywhere and always take the stairs over the lift;
• 5. I no longer blame other people or circumstances for the way things turn out - I know that the buck stops with me now;
• 6. I get beeped at by guys in sports cars every time I walk down the Old Calder Highway to the library!;
• 7. I get more attention from men in general - yes, hands off - but it's amazing how good that makes me feel. When I was 103.5kg, no one noticed me. I felt invisible;
• 8. While we're on that, I feel far more sexy in general! A few months ago, my friends and I went and paid a visit to Sexyland in Airport West! Old Philippa wouldn't have been seen dead there! But I wasn't embarrassed to be there at all. I can fit into sexy lingerie too!;
• 9. I can laugh at my fat photos now, instead of being hideously embarrassed by them. I show them off at every opportunity;
• 10. I feel good giving my body food that it needs, and that it is good for it, not just eating to satisfy other needs;
• 11. I am able to fit into nice clothes! In Tassie I bought a size 12 dress, and last week in Richmond I bought a stretchy singlet in a size S/M!! I am confident when I go shopping now - I can walk into any clothes shop and know that they will have my size (although Sportsgirl and all those places that only go up to a 14 are still a bit dicey!);
• 12. I seek out the healthy options in restaurants now, instead of treating it like a feast day and eating whatever I want, with no thought for whether it's good for me or if I need it;
• 13. My fitness has improved so much - I can walk for hours and hours without getting tired;
• 14. My flexibility has gone from nonexistent to being able to do intermediate yoga classes;
• 15. When someone asks me to go out somewhere, I no longer try to think of excuses not to go, or have a panic attack about what on earth I will wear, because everything in my wardrobe now fits, or is too big;
• 16. I love being outside, and being active, rather than being in front of the TV all the time;
• 17. I have a healthy image of myself, and healthy expectations of myself - I have finally learned that this is for life, it's not just something I'm going to do in the short term, and I don't have to starve myself to lose weight;
• 18. I'm more creative in the kitchen, and I enjoy making healthy meals.
• 19. I feel like I am in control. Everything is up to me. I accept that I will have down days and life will throw all kinds of stuff at me, and I just have to cope as best as I know how, without turning to food;
• 20. While we're on that, I believe I have got a grip on my emotional eating habits - I can now recognise my feelings and try to deal with them in a constructive way, rather than hoeing into a whole tub of Caramel Fudge icecream. I no longer resort to food to solve a problem for me. I now know that food doesn't stop me feeling lonely, or bored, or sad;
• 21. I am a far more happier and more confident person than I used to be. I would never have been brave enough to start a blog of my own; I would never have been brave enough to actually meet people in person that I'd met via the blog. My life is enriched with friendships now, rather than food and books;
• 22. I look forward to meeting up with people that I haven't seen in a long time and revel in their compliments, rather than dreading what they'll be thinking - "Gee, she's put on heaps of weight!";
• 23. I feel like I am truly living, not just sitting on the sidelines, watching other people have all the fun;
• 24. I feel young, I feel like I am 24 - not 44!;
• 25. I feel excited about life and the future in general, instead of dreading it, and I know that when the time comes, I will be a positive role model for my children.
So there you have it - that's why I'm still on this journey. There's probably heaps more, but that's all I could think of right now! Most of all, I love looking at the photographs and seeing how far I've come. These are some photos of my best friend Anne and I. She and I spent a few days together last week, and one of the many things we did was come up with a "Fat File" for me! We found heaps of hideous photos. This one was taken at Luna Park just after Anne had joined WW in April 2005, and about three weeks before I decided to join her!:
The photo below was taken last Wednesday, in the city, on a very hot day! Look at my collarbones! Anne has lost nearly 10kg too, and looks bloody fantastic. I am so proud of her. It's wonderful having friends along for the ride!!
I have proven to myself that I can stick to things, that I can reach goals - and I will never give up on myself, no matter what it takes - I CAN DO IT!!!
• Track consistently, every day, not just when I remember;
• Move my butt and up the cardio - although that has been bloody hard on 40 degree days!;
• Cut out all junk and treats that I have been having far too much of lately.
Next week is my last weigh in for January (can you believe it's February next week?!) so I would like some loss, not to have the stats section saying 0.00!!
I guess it could be worse - at least I've maintained. I've had a lot on my plate lately (both literally and figuratively!!) but I know that's no excuse. Life happens and time keeps passing, and everything I do will either bring me closer to my goal or further away from it. The buck stops with me.
Yesterday, I spent the day with Brooke and her friend, fellow scrapper, Ali, trawling east Melbourne's scrapping shops, and visiting Brooke's mum and sister. What a great day!
As Brooke drove me home, we talked about the things in our lives that are so much better now that we've lost weight. Brooke wanted me to write a list of all of them, to inspire her, and to keep myself motivated.
So, here it is:
• 1. I am healthier and happier than I have ever been in my life. Even though I have been thinner, I have never felt more healthy, more fit and more in charge of my destiny;
• 2. I am far more honest with people. I open up more, whereas I used to keep everything to myself, bottle up my feelings and never let anyone in;
• 3. I have more energy (except in 40 degree heat!);
• 4. I look for excuses to be active - I walk everywhere and always take the stairs over the lift;
• 5. I no longer blame other people or circumstances for the way things turn out - I know that the buck stops with me now;
• 6. I get beeped at by guys in sports cars every time I walk down the Old Calder Highway to the library!;
• 7. I get more attention from men in general - yes, hands off - but it's amazing how good that makes me feel. When I was 103.5kg, no one noticed me. I felt invisible;
• 8. While we're on that, I feel far more sexy in general! A few months ago, my friends and I went and paid a visit to Sexyland in Airport West! Old Philippa wouldn't have been seen dead there! But I wasn't embarrassed to be there at all. I can fit into sexy lingerie too!;
• 9. I can laugh at my fat photos now, instead of being hideously embarrassed by them. I show them off at every opportunity;
• 10. I feel good giving my body food that it needs, and that it is good for it, not just eating to satisfy other needs;
• 11. I am able to fit into nice clothes! In Tassie I bought a size 12 dress, and last week in Richmond I bought a stretchy singlet in a size S/M!! I am confident when I go shopping now - I can walk into any clothes shop and know that they will have my size (although Sportsgirl and all those places that only go up to a 14 are still a bit dicey!);
• 12. I seek out the healthy options in restaurants now, instead of treating it like a feast day and eating whatever I want, with no thought for whether it's good for me or if I need it;
• 13. My fitness has improved so much - I can walk for hours and hours without getting tired;
• 14. My flexibility has gone from nonexistent to being able to do intermediate yoga classes;
• 15. When someone asks me to go out somewhere, I no longer try to think of excuses not to go, or have a panic attack about what on earth I will wear, because everything in my wardrobe now fits, or is too big;
• 16. I love being outside, and being active, rather than being in front of the TV all the time;
• 17. I have a healthy image of myself, and healthy expectations of myself - I have finally learned that this is for life, it's not just something I'm going to do in the short term, and I don't have to starve myself to lose weight;
• 18. I'm more creative in the kitchen, and I enjoy making healthy meals.
• 19. I feel like I am in control. Everything is up to me. I accept that I will have down days and life will throw all kinds of stuff at me, and I just have to cope as best as I know how, without turning to food;
• 20. While we're on that, I believe I have got a grip on my emotional eating habits - I can now recognise my feelings and try to deal with them in a constructive way, rather than hoeing into a whole tub of Caramel Fudge icecream. I no longer resort to food to solve a problem for me. I now know that food doesn't stop me feeling lonely, or bored, or sad;
• 21. I am a far more happier and more confident person than I used to be. I would never have been brave enough to start a blog of my own; I would never have been brave enough to actually meet people in person that I'd met via the blog. My life is enriched with friendships now, rather than food and books;
• 22. I look forward to meeting up with people that I haven't seen in a long time and revel in their compliments, rather than dreading what they'll be thinking - "Gee, she's put on heaps of weight!";
• 23. I feel like I am truly living, not just sitting on the sidelines, watching other people have all the fun;
• 24. I feel young, I feel like I am 24 - not 44!;
• 25. I feel excited about life and the future in general, instead of dreading it, and I know that when the time comes, I will be a positive role model for my children.
So there you have it - that's why I'm still on this journey. There's probably heaps more, but that's all I could think of right now! Most of all, I love looking at the photographs and seeing how far I've come. These are some photos of my best friend Anne and I. She and I spent a few days together last week, and one of the many things we did was come up with a "Fat File" for me! We found heaps of hideous photos. This one was taken at Luna Park just after Anne had joined WW in April 2005, and about three weeks before I decided to join her!:
The photo below was taken last Wednesday, in the city, on a very hot day! Look at my collarbones! Anne has lost nearly 10kg too, and looks bloody fantastic. I am so proud of her. It's wonderful having friends along for the ride!!
I have proven to myself that I can stick to things, that I can reach goals - and I will never give up on myself, no matter what it takes - I CAN DO IT!!!
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