looking forward, not looking back

I thought I'd finished my post to sum up my 2008, but then I read the marvellous Claire's 2008 sum-up and she reminded me of something very important. So I've ditched my original post and wrote the following instead!

It is so important to be positive. In fact, it is essential. It's easy to be negative and dwell on sad things and stumble into the dark and lonely forest of "why me?". It takes a lot more strength to focus on the positive things, to be thankful for every blessing in your life, however small. And really, while it has been a very tough year for me, when I think of what some of my friends and family have been through in 2008, I really do have so much to be thankful for.

So here is my 2008, things I loved and enjoyed and am grateful for:

♥ My first trip to Dublin, with TS - seeing the Writers Museum, experiencing the utter bliss of the extravagant hot chocolates from Butler's, and doing a little roadtrip together to Shannon;

♥ Discovering The Poetry Cafe in Covent Garden, and meeting up again with a dear friend;

♥ A trip to Hamburg where I revelled in my first snow storm since 1986, and realised that my schoolgirl German is actually very adequate!

♥ Making immense progress with my novel - it is so far from where I was last year. I also made contact with the nephew of one of my main characters (based on, anyway!) which has enriched the manuscript no end;

♥ For the first five months of 2008 I was living in a writer's loft in North West London, where I could hear the owls hooting well into the night and where I was woken every morning by the sun;

♥ Moving to North London and enjoying domestic bliss with TS :)

♥ Having a wild girls weekend in Prague with some dear friends, which included an accidental stumble into a strip club (!) and crashing a stag party;

♥ My parents coming to London to visit - the highlight of the year! We had an amazing time. I loved showing them my favourite spots in London, and we also went on a little trip to Ireland, where Mum and Dad got to see Cong (the setting of The Quiet Man) and taste real Guinness;

♥ Getting a poem accepted in Trespass!

♥ Doing my first ever poetry reading (and so chuffed at how many people showed up to see me, including an old school friend from Hobart I hadn't seen for 12 years!);

♥ Seeing The Waifs live at Shepherds Bush Empire;

♥ Writing an article with a friend for the Student BMJ and getting it published, and then having it reworked for the BMJ itself! Very exciting!

♥ Finishing two short stories, and sending one off (the other is still being edited);

♥ Seeing De Profundis at the NT, and Speed The Plow at the Old Vic. I saw no where near as much theatre as I wanted to this year, but I hope to remedy that in 2009;

♥ Celebrating a one year anniversary with TS - we couldn't decide whether our anniversary was the day we met or the day we had our first date (one week apart) so we celebrated both!

♥ Finishing two other poems that I'm very proud of, and sending them off to two magazines;

♥ A long weekend in Amsterdam with a girlfriend, where I finally fulfilled a long held ambition to see The Secret Annexe (Anne Frank House). I also discovered a passion for stroopwafl!

♥ Taking TS to Paris for his birthday and discovering why Paris is called The City of Love ;) Also had the best icecream I have ever had in my life!

♥ Getting a UK drivers licence!

♥ Many catchups with the lovely Ivy when she's been in London! I wonder if she has any idea how much she inspires me...

♥ Getting a pay rise and a permanent contract at work;

♥ Lovely weekends away to various parts of the UK, including York (where we got snow) and Portsmouth;

♥ Starting Green Ink! You guys have made me so happy with all your interest and support! Thank you so much :)

♥ Discovering so many new writers, all of whom have inspired me and influenced my writing in some way;

♥ Deepening my yoga practice and my commitment to it. A few weekends ago I went to a course at the North London Buddhist Centre, which was truly eyeopening and has given my ideas of how I want to practice and learn more going forward;

♥ Being in the audience for a taping of one of my favourite shows, The IT Crowd!

♥ Celebrated my first proper Guy Fawkes Day!

♥ A wonderful trip to Brussels with two dear friends to see the Christmas markets, drink Kwak, eat chocolate and see puppets!!

♥ Christmas in Wales with TS and his parents - the highlight of which was getting a fountain pen, with a bottle of green ink(!) from my darling TS. I've wanted one since I was ten.

♥ Learning how to use Skype! My homesickness has eased considerably being able to see my parents, sisters and nephews when I speak to them.


Wow, that actually really worked! Prior to writing this I had convinced myself that 2008 was a bit of a write-off for me! But in reality I did quite a bit, and had quite a lot of fun, despite everything!

Maybe that was my problem. I spent so much of 2008 focusing on negative things, things I didn't have or hadn't accomplished. There was plenty of fun and happy stuff right in front of my nose all that time, and I've only just realised it, on December 31st.

But there is so much to look forward to in 2009. It is absolutely simmering with hope and possibility. Travel. Writing. Adventures. New projects. Moving house. Reunions with family and friends. A wedding (not mine!). Babies (again, not mine, but I'm excited nonetheless!). More writing. Laughter. Art. Theatre. So many plans that I hope will see me heading in the right direction. I can hardly wait for the year to get here so I can dive right in!

TS's mother has a lovely quote stuck up on the wall of her cellar, which I noticed while we were there at Christmas. It is my wish and prayer for 2009:

Let there be
respect for the earth,
peace for its people,
love in our lives,
delight in the good,
forgiveness for past wrongs
and from now on, a new start.

And a complete first draft of my novel and a few acceptances from literary journals would be good as well!

Happy 2009, dear Green Ink readers. May it be everything you're hoping for.

See you next year.

the skinny latte story

*updated August 2009*

Or, how I went from this:

March 2005

to this:

September 2006

In April 2005, I weighed 103.5kg (228lbs). A year later, to the day, I had reached my goal weight of 76kg (167lbs). It is now 2009 and I have kept the weight off for over three years.

June 2009
(Yes, I do still like to have beer!)

What was your life like before you lost weight and got fit?

I grew up in Hobart, Tasmania. Prior to beginning my weight loss journey in April 2005, I had had issues with my weight for a very long time. I was a skinny, active child, but became overweight once I hit puberty and stopped playing sport. I lost a lot of weight when I was 16 but unfortunately took it too far and battled an eating disorder for most of Year 12.

Then I went to university, got married, got a job that I hated but the pay was good, and the weight steadily increased. My job was unbelievably stressful, so I ate to forget about it, or comfort myself after a hard day. I didn't have much of a social life either, so found myself alone a lot on weekends, where I'd settle in with a DVD box set, a tub of icecream and a block of chocolate for company.

I ate whatever I liked, whenever I liked. I would eat breakfast on the run (occasionally not at all), drink Diet Coke like water, eat enormous helpings at dinner, and still have room for half a cheesecake afterwards. I ate whatever was put in front of me or whatever happened to be in the cupboard (or other peoples!), without a thought as to whether it was good for me, or whether I really needed it. By the time I was 22, I was wearing Australian size 18-20 clothes (US size 14-16) but thought I was healthy because I went to the gym five days a week.

I left my job in December 2004 in search of new opportunities, which meant quitting the gym, as I could no longer afford it. I didn't curtail my eating at all, so my size steadily increased in the early months of 2005. I wasn't thrilled with my appearance, but had kind of given up on myself. I had been doing this for eight years - up down, up down - from obesity to anorexia and back again. There seemed to be no end in sight.

What was your "turning point"? When did you decide enough was enough?

Just after Easter in 2005, my best friend joined Weight Watchers, and I was a bit taken aback. After all, she was at least 10kg (22lb) lighter than me! We had talked about losing weight together before, but I honestly never thought that it would happen. I knew that I was on the larger side of girls my age, but had very little motivation to do anything about it. So when my friend went ahead and made a decision, it forced me to have a very hard look at myself!!

So, the first motivation behind getting this journey started, apart from desperately wanting to enjoy young fashion while I could and stop gasping for breath every time I went up stairs, was because I didn’t want my friend to lose weight and look fantastic, and for me to be left behind! Also, I had recently got some photos developed that were not flattering at all, so that was a bit confronting as well.

So on 25th April 2005, I stepped on the scales. I was not prepared for what I saw - 103.5kg (227.7lb). It was so upsetting, but it was the kick in the pants that I sorely needed to get this journey started. I had all the evidence in front of me - the unflattering photos, the tight jeans, the figure on the scales. If I didn't start now, when was I going to start?

When I saw the figure on the scales, that was it. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I'd let myself go like that. I had to face facts - I was very overweight, and out of control. I decided there and then that I was going to sort this out once and for all. I didn't care how long it took. Something in me just snapped. I never ever wanted to be in that situation again and I knew that it would be different this time - I was not going to give up.

My life changed that day.

How did you do it?

Somehow I knew that this was going to be a change for good, so I didn't do anything drastic to start off with. My best friend was a Weight Watchers member, so I followed that with her to begin with. We would ring or text each other with our weigh-ins every week, as I hadn't actually joined WW officially. For exercise, I started going for a 20 minute walk three or four nights a week after work, and then did an abdominal workout from the WW DVD my friend bought me. I'd go for longer walks on the weekend. I tried to exercise every day, but if that wasn’t possible I aimed for six days out of seven.

I got a tracker (just a small exercise book) and pasted the fat, unflattering photos of me in them. I wrote a list of reasons why I wanted to lose weight. I wrote down my goal weights - my mini goal and my ultimate goal of 76kg. I wrote down inspiring quotes.

I used this exercise book to track, and I tracked religiously – I wrote down everything I ate and drank, and what exercise I did, every day. This helped me to see exactly what I was eating and doing, so if things went well, I had a record of what had worked. If I didn’t lose much that week, I could look back and see what I might have improved upon.

I cut down my portion sizes and boosted my meals with lots of vegetables. I stopped buying junk food. Pretty simple when you think about it - I just became more aware of what I was actually eating and focused on how much better I felt by eating well and exercising, and taking care of myself.

Every week it became easier.

I had to lose 27.5kg (60.5lbs) to get into my healthy weight range for my height. That number was quite daunting so, rather than focus on the entire amount I had to lose, I broke it down into small goals. The first goal was to get under 100kg, which happened within the first month. The next goal was to lose 5kg in total, then 10kg, then 15kg, then 20kg. I also gave myself rewards along the way for meeting these goals.

Eating well and exercising was only half of the battle, however. Prior to losing weight and getting healthy, food was my hobby. I had to completely revamp my attitude to myself and towards food. I had to learn to be my own best friend and stop using food as a distraction or a comfort. I had to learn why I turned to food if I was unhappy. I had to learn to recognize the triggers. It was hard work and it took some time for the new, positive behaviours to sink in, but they did eventually and it was a very proud day for me when I realised I had had a block of chocolate in the fridge for a week and only two rows were gone! :)

When did you start Skinny Latte?

I started the original Skinny Latte blog in September 2005, when I was about halfway to goal, and I had just moved from Hobart to Melbourne. I had been reading (ie lurking!) heaps of other weight loss blogs for a few months, and was really excited about starting my own and getting to know the people that I'd come to admire and rely on for motivation in a real and meaningful way. I wrote about the various ups and downs in my weight loss journey, and the amount of support and accountability I got from was amazing. I met some lovely people through the blog who are still among my closest friends today.

I reached my goal weight of 76kg (a loss of 27.5kg!) in April 2006, a year to the day after I started my journey. I eventually, through triathlons and yoga (and a bit of heavy partying!), got my total loss down to about 30kg.

How is Skinny Latte Strikes Back different to your original blog?

Skinny Latte Strikes Back houses the majority of my relevant archives from the original blog, and has some tales about life on maintenance and things that have inspired or continued to inspire me as I try to live the healthiest and happiest life possible.

Not everything from the original blog is here. Some of the posts were just reports on my daily life at the time, which I don't think are particularly relevant now, or interesting reading! Also, as most of you would know, once I reached goal my life changed dramatically because my marriage of nearly five years broke down and I found myself on a very different path.

So, once weight loss was no longer a main focus in my life, the blog became more about my search for my identity and what I really wanted to do with my life. But, again, those posts aren't really relevant anymore, so that's why I haven't bothered putting the majority of them up here.

How have you managed to maintain for three years? What made this different to all the other times you'd tried to lose weight in the past?

What made this time different to all the other times was that I finally got it. To be a healthy person, you have to exercise and eat right all the time, not just to lose some weight, or to fit into a wedding dress. It’s not something you do until you’ve reached your goal and then go back to being the way you were. I wanted to get this under control, once and for all. I never, ever wanted to be overweight again. And I knew that everything I put in my mouth would either bring me closer to what I wanted or would delay me from reaching my goals.

It was never a short term solution. This is my life now. I am a healthy person who loves to exercise and who eats when she is hungry, and yes occasionally for the hell of it. I like my icecream and my chocolate, but I no longer feel dependent on these things for happiness. If I want something, I can have it. I don't deprive myself.

A huge part of my maintenance success, I believe, is that I continue to challenge myself with my fitness. I took up long distance running in 2007, once I'd been through the triathlon experience and realised that I loved running the most! I keep as active as possible, preferring walking to taking transport wherever possible. I don't have a car anymore, so that really helps me to keep active.

So, what are you up to these days?

I am now 28 and I have lived in London, England, for just over two years. I left Australia in April 2007 and decided to go travelling for a few months through the USA and Canada, and had the time of my life! I then moved to London where I got a job in publishing, moved into a supercool share house and spent most of my weekends/spare cash travelling around Europe. Two years on, I now live with my wonderful boyfriend in a lovely garden flat in the centre of the city (you can hear Big Ben strike from my house!) and enjoy keeping fit by running, yoga and walking to and from work nearly every day. I really enjoy long distance running and I completed my very first half marathon in August 2009!

Me with my half marathon medal! Time 2:21:00!
August 2009

It was an amazing experience and I plan to do many more!

How much do you weigh now?

I honestly have no idea. The last time I weighed myself was in September 2007, and I was 72kg, fully clothed, after a huge breakfast. Everything from "Goal Days" (ie 2006/2007) still fits though, so I must be doing something right. It's less about a number and more about feeling good for me, these days.

~~~
Thanks for reading guys! Whether you're currently on a weight loss journey, or you've reached your goal and occasionally need a little oomph and inspiration, or you just want to make a positive change in your life, I hope by reading my story you can gain some hope and inspiration that, with the right attitude and a bit of effort, you can succeed. Wherever you are and whatever you want to achieve - it can be done!

I know you can do it!