face to face with a crystal ball

I see a lot of dinners in Paris in my future.

I was really touched by the responses to the post I wrote a few months ago, imagining a conversation with my former self, the 2005 me.

The me who spent most weekends alone with a DVD boxset, a pile of books and few blocks of chocolate to hand.

The me who couldn't wear skirts without tights, even in the height of summer, as otherwise there would be painful chafing that would require half a tub of talcum powder to relieve.

The me who wanted so much more out of life and was heartbroken and resentful she wasn't doing what she wanted to do.

Without the aid of occasional journals (I barely wrote back then) and the few photographs I didn't destroy, I would barely remember that me, that life.

I still am astounded sometimes at how much my life has changed since then. I actually had a moment on my 29th birthday two months ago, in Paris. I was sitting with Tom and we were outside the Shakespeare and Company book store, enjoying the breeze and the view, debating where we'd go for an afternoon tea pit stop, and I just remember thinking wow. I'm 29 and I'm Paris! Who saw that coming?

It's incredible what can happen when you decide to take charge of your life and your future. When you don't sit back and wait for things to change, you make them change.

While I wouldn't choose to relive every experience I've had between 2005 and 2010, I am rather proud of the woman I have become because of them. Everything that happened, good and bad, has led me to my present situation, and for that my gratitude is boundless.

A lot of comments on the aforementioned post raised the idea of the future. What might 2015 Phil say to the 2010 Phil? It's a very valid question. I thought about 2015 Phil calling the present me, and what conversations might ensue. Who knows what the next five years hold?

But I decided maybe it was best not to go there.

Kathryn brought up the very good point - while it might have been comforting to know that things would get better, things would change and my dreams would come true, would 2005 Phil have actually wanted to know all that has happened in the past five years before it all happened? Would it have scared her? Would the knowledge of the hard times that lay ahead, as well as the good times that would come out of them, have been a burden to carry around? I think one of the reasons some people make themselves unhappy is worrying about the future before its even happened.

Also, one of the podcasts I listen to when I need a boost is Episode 3 of Two Fit Chicks where Alison is interviewed, and she says quite rightly that you "shape the details as you go along" with your dreams and goals in life, you don't need to worry too much about how you will get there. If you already knew all the details, what would be the point?

So, even though I'm confident the next five years holds some great times, I think I'd like to be surprised when they do happen! I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself. I definitely have things I hope to have achieved and be doing by the time 2015 rolls around, but I remain certain that whatever does happen will happen for a reason.

I have goals for myself, but I also like not knowing what's going to happen. One day Tom and I talk about buying a house and having a vegie patch, a chook shed and little baby - the next day we're ready to chuck everything in and go travelling again. We don't know, we're always changing our minds. We're going with the flow. That's ok with me.

What I do know is that I'm not afraid, of anything really. Apart from rats, and things happening to people I love - both of which are out of my control! A life lived in fear is a life half lived, as they say in Strictly Ballroom - and I've already lived my life like that, and I have no desire to ever do it again!

The thing I did find very interesting about this whole 2010-2015 thing is that, even though I didn't end up making a five year plan, the idea of it didn't make me break out in a cold sweat.

After my first marriage broke down four years ago I stayed away from long term plans of any kind for a long time. Anything that even hinted it might tie me down left me cold and instantly turned me off, which I guess was understandable. I needed to live that way for a while. I needed to live life without a plan, without expectations, without security, without time limits, without restraint. It was very much a "pay-as-you-go" kind of life. It was fun, but it wasn't easy. We are conditioned to live with a plan, to always be thinking about the future, and it's frightening to be living your life in a manner equivalent to riding in a very fast car without a seatbelt. It's scary to chuck in your secure well-paying job, buy a round the world ticket, and bugger off to somewhere where you know nothing and no one. While there are no guarantees in life anyway, living this way really hammers that home for you.

But it was also exhilirating. The furthest I planned something in advance was a month - two at the most. The only thing I was committed to was living in the moment. It opened me up to people, places and experiences I might not have noticed or been available to take up otherwise.

I regret nothing, in other words :)

Four years down the track, and things are different for me now. I've calmed down and grown up a bit, and got a few things out of my system. I'm a bit more cynical (which is a bit sad, sometimes I wish I could trust people as easily as I used to) and far less naive. I've learned, and continue to learn, what I do and don't need in my life. I am very, very excited about the future. And I am excited that I have found someone amazing to share it with.

Getting married again is a huge leap of faith for me. I was scared about it for a very long time, even though I knew almost straight away that I wanted to spend my life with Tom. I wondered whether it was too soon. I also (predictably) worried about what other people might think, and feared their judgement. But then one day I realised that I was thinking about it way too much, and the only person judging me was myself. I had to forgive myself for my mistake. I also had to get over the fear I had of it all happening again. First of all, everyone was so happy for us! And as for it being too soon or needing more time on my own, it's very convenient to romanticise my single life, and forget about the loneliness that occasionally accompanied my solo adventures.

A while ago I talked to someone who had had an experience almost identical to mine.

"How do you know when you're ready for this again?" I asked him.
"You don't," he said simply. "You just have to take a leap of faith, and trust what you have."

And I do trust what I have. I look at my first marriage and I know why it didn't work. I look at the marriage I am about to embark upon, and I know why it will. I am so much more present in this relationship. Complacency and bottling up my feelings have no place in my relationship with Tom. Unfortunately, much as I hate to admit it, I was very naive and immature in my first marriage. At 20, I had no clue what marriage was really about beyond the superficial idealism and I didn't have any idea who I fundamentally was as a person. Nor did I have the courage to pursue what I truly wanted, rather than what I (or others) expected of myself: this only came with getting older and wiser.

I guess something else I was frightened about by getting married again was that my freedom would be curtailed like it was before. This fear has proved to be groundless. In April I went away for a whole week, on my own, to a writing retreat in Scotland. I go away with girlfriends for city breaks all the time (well, a couple of times a year! It feels like all the time!). Sometimes I take myself off for the afternoon to a cafe or a museum with my journal, and I relish that alone time. And has Tom kicked up a stink about any of this? No - but why would he? He knows what I need to be happy, and for me to be happy I need to be able to do my own thing sometimes. I get this, and so much more, with him. Maybe I still don't really have a clue about marriage, what it is or how it works - but I'm willing to give it another shot. That's something I never thought I'd say four years ago.

I hope that my story can comfort and inspire people who might also be inwardly crucifying themselves over past mistakes. I hope you can see that it is never too late to chase those dreams and live the life you want. While very little can compare to the kind of heartbreak and despair I went through four years ago, regardless of how painful it is at the time, you really will move on - in fact, you can be happier than you've ever been in your life. I hope you know that your life really can change and transform into everything your heart desires - if you want it badly enough and are prepared to get uncomfortable sometimes. And the journey doesn't stop when you see that magical number you dreamed of seeing on the scales, or that impossibly tiny number on a tag inside a pair of jeans (sizes are bullshit, for starters! I was a size 14 and a size 10 in the same shop last week!).

It's not easy, it really isn't. I know it might seem that way, but this blog only shows you some parts of my journey. I choose to focus on the positive, happy things because that's the kind of person I am and what I personally choose to focus on in my life- but there's been plenty of sad, scary times.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I really, really wish some things hadn't happened to me. I wish I had known better. But, I didn't. So I've tried to put right the things I was able to, walked away from the rest and I've got on with my life. And the pay off for being brave has been enormous. While life is certainly not perfect and there are still lots of things I want to sort out and accomplish and get over, I am so grateful for where I am right now. And if anything had been different, maybe I wouldn't be here....well, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be. And that's something I really wouldn't change!

So, to get back to the original topic, I'm pretty certain 2015 Phil will be very happy. I think she'll be enjoying life very much. She might have even run a full marathon, done a yoga retreat in India, had a baby, and written a book or two - who knows! I hope she's done all four :)

For now, I'm going to keep living in the moment - and the moment is pretty darn great.

So, my friends, don't crucify yourself for the bumps in the road. Once you've picked yourself up and dusted yourself off, those bumps and detours can actually lead you to some really amazing places. Don't ever think that you're stuck. No one is, ever. Your future is always in your hands.

Image from Positively Present Tumblr.