phil's day out

Amazing street art 

Yesterday was awesome!  I try to cram as much into a visit to London these days as I can, and yesterday was no exception.  Sometimes those are the happiest days for me, the busy days, when I am so bone weary by the end of it by so happy and high on life.  

Tom dropped me at the station on his way to work - as usual, I prioritised doing hair and make-up over eating breakfast so made do with this:

Those are bliss balls - a secret recipe from the 21 Days of Nourishing e-course but here's a similar recipe - with some raw almonds and pecans.  I found this satisfied me well and was easier than taking a banana in my handbag which always ends up black and bruised before I get to it!!  I really love those bliss balls.

Luckily I got a second breakfast when I got to my first destination for the day - TOTAL Greek Yoghurt cooking masterclass with chef Paul Merrett.  After having such a great time at their last event, I knew I was in for a treat!

I also hadn't had proper yoghurt since I was in Australia six months ago.  We've kept going with our little dairy detox we started at the end of the winter and  have made porridge, eggs and things on toast the focus of our breakfasts.  For the past few months I've had a "I can take it or leave it" mindset about yoghurt but when I found out this cooking class was on, all of a sudden it felt like Christmas!  As I bounced along the streets from the train station to Cucina Caldesi all I could think was "OMG!! Yoghurt!!"

This was such a fun event.  I savoured every creamy mouthful!

I was delighted to see some familiar faces from the last time I went to a TOTAL event.....but this time I didn't have speaker nerves and could stay to enjoy the food!

We got into small teams to prepare the three course lunch we were going to enjoy later - I was with three lovely ladies; Lynn, Heidi and May, who were all very skilled and knowledgeable, so I knew our dishes wouldn't turn out a disaster (as they might if I were in charge!)

We began with dessert, which was a gorgeous semolina sponge cake with almonds, hazelnuts and honey, served with Greek yoghurt of course!  With four cakes baking and four saucepans simmering with orange and lemon syrup, the smell was heady and heavenly.

The starter, fresh and smoked salmon rillette, was made next and then refrigerated.  Then we began the main course, which was probably my favourite dish of the day, spiced butternut squash tagine with toasted fennel seed yoghurt and cauliflower couscous. (I'll put the recipe up tomorrow if you'd like it!)

It was such fun cooking these dishes together - whoever was at the stove-top stirring would regularly bring a spoonful over for one of us to try, and then we would add more chilli, more paprika, more lemon....it was a really intimate and fun experience getting to know everyone.  When you know everyone there loves food it's an instant bond, and you don't run out of things to talk about!

Also, dill stalks dipped into horseradish sauce?  Surprisingly heavenly.

We eventually sat down to the meal as the test kitchen was transformed into a trattoria!

The meal was exquisite.  The alternative vegetarian starter, which Clare and I had, was ginger beer battered broccoli tempura with mango yoghurt dip.....oh, so good!  It was quite muggy by this point and with a glass of chilled sauv blanc to go with it, surrounded by new friends, I was in heaven!

The main was the stand-out dish of the day for me.  There were so many delicious flavours and textures; heat from chilli and hot smoked paprika, nutty chickpeas, sweet butternut squash, richness from slowly stewed tomatoes, plump and juicy apricots and green olives.

Paul made a cauliflower couscous to go with it - if you have read Jane Kennedy's boombah books (Oz readers will know what I mean!) you will be familiar with her cauliflower rice and this is the same concept.  The raw cauliflower florets are ground in a food processor to tiny grains, to resemble rice or couscous, and then briefly steamed.  The similarity is astounding and if you're looking to cut carbs it's a clever way to do it!

I relished every mouthful:

And then finally, the cake!  I only managed a few mouthfuls, I was stuffed!!

It was all over too quickly, I could have stayed all afternoon, lingering over cake and wine!  It was such fun meeting old and new friends, and Paul was so lovely!  I suggested a Masterchef-esque event where we would all don chefs whites and go and cook in his gastropub kitchen....so who knows!!

Loaded up with a TOTAL Greek goody bag, I walked to Bloomsbury in the muggy drizzle to meet an old friend for coffee.

She had the pasteis de nata.....I was too full for anything other than coffee!

I worked for a little while - I never come to London for the day without bringing my laptop and hard copy covered in big red marks! - and then walked to Covent Garden for Event #2, the launch of a new face masque by Montagne Jeunesse.  It's a rather revolutionary face masque that is basically clay infused natural bamboo fabric which you "wear", it's so interesting!  I'm really looking forward to giving it a go!

Mummy!

It was such a fun party and I wish it had started earlier so I could have stayed longer!  There were amazing cocktails (I had a mock, as I was still a little tiddly from lunch!  Well, I thought I was) made by a cocktail artist who juggled the bottles with alarming but enviable dexterity; a make-your-own face masque bar; and loads of other cool scientific beauty things, like magic berries that made sour things taste sweet!    

I enjoyed talking to one of the Montagne Jeunesse scientists, Colin, who has his own beauty blog, about skincare and what goes into face masks.  Everything at Montagne Jeunesse is natural, plant based and made in the UK with a minimum of processing or impact on the environment.  Very impressive!

I'm a pretty low maintenance girl when it comes to beauty (well, I think I am!) - while I love being pampered, I tend to save it for special occasions.  I really should try and do it more often.  Well, I will now I have my own home-made face masque to play with!  I mixed up a clay base with various ingredients, like aloe vera, crushed blueberries and raspberries, to make a "very berry" masque.  It was incredible watching it all come together.  It's now sitting in my fridge, waiting for pampering!

Finally, it was time for Event #3, a pre-launch or salon for Adrian Teal's forthcoming book from Unbound, The Gin Lane Gazette.  I am fascinated by and in awe of Unbound, a crowd funding publishing company that gives the power of what makes it into print back to the authors and readers.  The way it works is that the Unbound author pitches their book idea and people who like the idea and think "yes, I'd buy that if it got published" make a pledge to support it.  Once a book is fully funded, a beautiful, limited edition hardback book (and ebook) is made.  It's such a wonderful thing to be a part of if you love books!  Every supporter gets acknowledged with their name printed in the book too.  It is a chance to be a modern day patron, as it were!  Ironically, as we learned last night, this is actually how publishing first got off the ground, certainly it was typical in the eighteenth century, which is when Adrian's book is set.  It's been described as an eighteenth century Heat magazine, filled with caricatures and dazzling tales of scandal and gossip, all of which are true incidentally!  I was both intrigued and horrified by the woman who claimed to have given birth to a litter of rabbits.

I really enjoyed the evening - we had a reading from the book (including the rabbit story!), entertainment from some Georgian ladies, and some gin punch!  All in a member's club in Soho, where the room was lit with burning candles and scattered with high backed armchairs....it could almost have been the eighteenth century!

I had to borrow a fan....it was sweltering in there by the end.  Summer has returned with a vengeance, not that I'm complaining :)

After taking my leave, I walked with my various bags (today I felt like I'd had a rather intense weights session!  Very sore biceps!) across the city to catch my train home. Walking across London in the muggy heat, through the backstreets as the sun was setting, was quite magical. I rejoiced in the large, spacious carriages you usually get late on the trains at night (the sardine can ones are used at peak hour, I've noticed!) and then rolled home, weary but incredibly happy at the memory of delicious food, yummy-smelling masques and meeting like-minded and generous souls.

As days out go, this one was rather spectacular - busy but not a dull moment!!  Thanks again TOTAL Greek, Montagne Jeunesse and Unbound for such fab events, for making me so welcome and for giving me an excuse to spend the whole day in my favourite city!

What did you do on your last day out? :)

free ads for july on SLSB!

Are you a small business owner?  A freelancer?  A creative - maybe a musician or a band with a CD to promote, a photographer starting out, a graphic or fashion designer?  Maybe you're a yoga teacher, a reflexologist, or a coach?  Or maybe you have an up-and-coming web site ready to be unleashed on the world?   

If so, would you like a free ad on Skinny Latte Strikes Back for the month of July?

There's no catch and no obligation.  I just want to give back and help spread the word about good things in the world.  I know there's lots of you out there who are passionate, creative, enthusiastic and following your dreams.....I would like to know about it and help you! 

When you work from home, especially if you're writing a knotty and thorny novel like I am (!), it is so easy to become insular and focus on yourself all the time.  The main reason I started blogging all those years ago was not only to feel connected to others in a new city but to help.  To contribute something, to put some good out there, to show others what was, and is, possible when you start aiming a bit higher.

This blog has blessed me in so many ways it is impossible to start listing them, because I would probably never stop.  The outpouring of love, friendship and support that has come my way over the years simply through being myself and sharing my story has been nothing short of humbling.  Every day, I am thankful for it.  

So, as a thank you, if you have a business, product, service, cause or web site that you feel suits SLSB and would like it featured in a free ad in the sidebar for July, please let me know!

Here's how it will work:

  

1.  Please email me : philippa [at] skinnylattestrikesback [dot] com

2.  Tell me about your business/service/product

3.  If I think it's a good fit*, you'll get an ad for July!  I'll send you all the information I'll need and we'll go from there.

*I reserve the right to say no if I don't think the business/service/product fits with the spirit of SLSB.  In other words, no "lose weight fast" stuff ;) 

This is strictly limited to the first six people to email me so get in quick!!

Again, I promise, there is no catch and no obligation whatsoever.  I'm just paying it forward....or giving back, however you would like to look at it :) 

 

I look forward to hearing from you! xx

in sickness and in health

source

Having been very run down with what turned out to be summer flu, I just wanted to list a few things I can't WAIT to do once I have turned the corner and the fog has lifted.

1.  Run.  Oh, I can't wait to run again.  Even if it's just to the end of the road and back.  It's only been a week and I miss it so.  I miss that incredible high, the marriage of breath and movement that when you get it right feels so amazing, the tunes of my favourite music that make me smile with memories of when I've trained or raced to them before, the smell of grass and rain on the pavement, the utter buzz you get from having pushed yourself, even if it's very slightly.  Oh, I can't wait.

2.  Yoga.  At the moment, doing downward dog has resulted in both my nostrils getting clogged and almost choking.  I had just started a morning ritual of 10 Salute to the Sun vinyasas too.  It all went out the window when I couldn't even get out of bed and shavasana (corpse pose - fitting!) was the best I could do.  

3.  Eating salads and raw vegetables and really lovely healthy stuff again.  I don't know what it is about being ill but I just have to eat whatever is warm and comforting, if I eat at all.  Tom calls me a "raving lunatic" for not wanting to eat when I am at the height of the flu and my nose is blocked because I can't taste anything and hence I am deprived of the main joy of eating.  I just find my appetite disappears.  If I can't taste it I don't see the point :P I keep myself hydrated with lots of water, herbal tea and might even splash out on orange juice.  My mouth has been so dry I ended up drinking all my Lucozades which I normally earmark for my running!  I have eaten soup, soup and more soup.  And Marmite on toast.  And bliss balls.  Today I managed porridge.  But that's about it.  

Yes, I bought Marmite.  I feel like I'm cheating on Vegemite.  But it's very nice.

4.  Burn things in my oil burner other than Olbas oil.  My home has been well and truly disinfected but it now smells like a house that has been fending off the plague.  Which it has.

5.  Cuddle our neighbour's newborn baby girl.  She was born on Thursday, home on the Friday and we went over to see her (me in my dressing gown - luckily they didn't care!) but I could only admire her from afar.  She was so small and so sweet.  Once I am sniffle free they won't be able to keep me away :)

6.  Smelling things.  In general.  Other than Olbas oil ;)

It's true what they say - you don't realise what a gift good health and being able to do absolutely anything is until you get struck down.  I'm so happy it seems to be on it's way out now!

That is all.  Hope you are happy, healthy and bug free :)


What are your tips for surviving the flu, be it summer, winter or somewhere in between?

monday mantra

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the possibility of perfection

"Essie loves new stationery.  She loves the omnipotentiality of a blank page......She wonders if she can trust herself to write on paper so beautiful......She hovers the nib over the page, not wanting to touch it to the paper just yet, because as soon as she does, the possibility of perfection will be lost.  She will have begun, and then she will no longer be right at the beginning."  (from The Alphabet of Light and Dark by Danielle Wood, p.87-88)

I love getting new journals.  I just finished my last one and instead of buying my usual cheap plain black journal to replace it, I decided to get a red Moleskine instead.  Unless you start doing things differently, you're in for more of the same (one of many motivational things I wrote down in my first Weight Watchers tracker all those years ago).  

I decorated the front with a few of my photographer friend's business cards as I wanted to make it pretty, but I haven't written in it yet.  I'm still relishing the new smell.  Like Essie, I prolong it as long as possible because as soon as I begin, make the first mark of ink, it is no longer new.  (by the way, The Alphabet of Light and Dark is one of my favourite books, by a wonderful Tasmanian writer, I do recommend it!)

I did not intend this post to be about Vegemite as well, so I shall refrain (I've loved your comments on the last post by the way!) from talking about having what feels like summer flu and the only thing I want to eat is the stuff in a jar from my homeland that looks like axle grease but soothes like a mother's hand on a feverish brow.

I'll just go and stroke those fresh new pages for a while and see if the words come.

Do you like new journals?  Are you a stationery fan?  I'm also a pen person :) 

vegemite spaghetti

On days when my writing is stalling, I construct elaborate salads for lunch.  Grilled peppers, freshly steamed beans, roasted beetroot, tahini dressings.  They are a beautiful and delicious monument to my blocks and procrastination.

On days when it is all flowing and I only break for essential sustenance, it's a two ingredient meal.  Rice, soy sauce.  Miso, noodles.  Spinach, baked beans.  Toast, egg.  Spaghetti, Vegemite.

I came to Vegemite late in life.  Eschewed it as a child in favour of peanut butter.  Discovered its miracle powers as a young, jet lagged, lovesick world traveller fighting a tropical fever in Singapore.  Since then it has always been my spread of choice when soothing is required.  It goes surprisingly well with avocado on toast.  When I saw this recipe in Nigella Lawson's Kitchen (but her version is with Marmite) I was compulsively curious.

What a treat.  Savoury, salty and so simple.  Four ingredients rather than my usual two, but what the hell. I can be flexible. And when you're writing a particularly gut-wrenching scene in your novel, sometimes you need comforting nursery-type food with an Antipodean twist.

Vegemite spaghetti
Serves 2, or 1 hungry writer who went for a run that morning

200g spaghetti
1 heaped teaspoon Vegemite
1 heaped tablespoon butter/non-dairy spread
Parmesan cheese, as much as you like

Cook the pasta according to the packet instructions.  Drain, reserving 1/2 cup of the cooking water.

Place pan back on the heat. Add Vegemite and butter, letting it gently melt and combine.  Let it sizzle a tiny bit, but don't let it brown. Add a splash of the pasta water and stir. Once all melted and amalgamated, add the pasta and stir to coat in the sauce and heat through.  Add more pasta water if it needs it.

Tumble into bowls and serve with plenty of Parmesan cheese.  I used Cheezly's vegan parmesan which is very good. 


Are you a Vegemite fan? (I know it's a divided subject!)

me, a macchiato and old red

This was the scene in my local café this morning.  Strong coffee, fingers stained with red ink.  Pondering, prepping my novel for more surgery.

Major changes in the last few days.  Word count literally cut in half (not a permanent change, I will be working some of the cuts back in).  After a long talk with a dear friend who gets all this stuff, a few blasts went off in my little mine.  Change the beginning. Change where it starts.

It was hard for me to make that change, largely because I was so invested in the first part of the story.  But it had to be done.  I had to take my ego out of it.  And having re-read that section, all 80,000 words of it (!), I think the feedback the agent gave me about my synopsis applies.  Well written, but unappealing.  I had always found this part of the book very interesting to read but of course I would, because it's so self indulgent!  It needed to be written but I know a lot of it doesn't need to be published. I just relished the chance to finally have my say.  And there was a lot to say.

Now, the story begins with what was the first chapter of Part 2.  The energy is completely different.  This is where the action really starts. And it makes sense for the novel to start there, when there has already been a huge bomb blast and the reader can glean the back story as my character picks up the pieces.

I marvel at the evolution of this piece of work.  It started so differently.  I began it for completely different reasons than the reasons I'm still going now, peeling away the layers, cutting and pasting, slashing and burning, hoping at the end of it all there will be something I'll be proud to look at and say  I wrote that. 

monday mantra

source

operation iron maiden

Or, as Todd Flanders would say, "iron helps us play!" :)

It's no secret that eating well makes you feel great.  Taking the time and effort to mull over the nutrients going into your body and making sure you're getting everything you need - plus a few treats every now and then - is bound to get you glowing.  As a vegetarian, and then as an endurance runner, it's always been about making sure I get enough protein and carbs from my preferred sources.  Because I feel pretty healthy and nourished most of the time, not to mention all the fruit and vegetables I eat, I don't really worry too much about all the other nutrients because I figured my diet in general covered the important stuff.

Recently, but especially the week before last, I was feeling so exhausted.  I think there's many reasons for it, mostly emotional/psychological which I'm dealing with, but I wondered whether my diet had something to do with it as well as Tom was also reporting feeling extremely tired.  We've been getting enough sleep (mostly) and while not currently training for any races I'm still pretty active, but a diet low in iron can contribute to feeling fatigued.  I did a bit of research about the top iron sources for vegetarians/vegans, which are, in order of highest iron content:

Soybeans
Molasses
Lentils
Spinach
Quinoa
Tofu
Tempeh
Butter beans (lima beans)
Swiss chard
Chickpeas
Potatoes
Cashews
Kale
Broccoli
Bok Choy

(sources: Livestrong and VRG)

I was surprised to realise that while my diet featured most of them there were some that were missing (I couldn't remember the last time I'd bought broccoli, for example, as it always goes off before I use it!) and I was also probably not being smart about the way I was eating these foods to get the best iron absorption possible.  Did you know that while vitamin C helps you absorb iron, calcium and tannins (such as tea and coffee) can reduce iron absorption? (hence it is best to have these a few hours before a meal).  Some iron rich vegetables like broccoli and bok choy also contain vitamin C, so it's win-win!

So after a scan of the pantry, a Google search for iron rich vegetarian recipes and a mammoth shop at the local Tesco, operation iron maiden began and last week was all about trying to make my main meal of the day (be it breakfast, lunch or dinner) as iron rich as possible.

Sunday:  Tofu and spinach cannelloni (dairy free too, with breadcrumbs and pinenuts on top instead of cheese) with a watercress and spinach salad alongside.

Monday:  Baked jacket potato with tomato and butter bean stew on top.  Having a source of vitamin C with your iron (in this case, tomatoes with butter beans) increases iron absorption.  I also put a few pieces of steamed broccoli (unpictured) alongside.  We loved this (I made it again tonight!)

Tuesday: Tofu, broccoli and bok choy stir fry with rice.  Just your run of the mill stir fry really, but very yummy.  Tom and I had a plate of garlic broccoli in Chinatown in London last Saturday and were amazed at how nourished and alert we felt afterwards - I tried to make this stir fry in a similar way, just with stock and garlic, and finishing with sweet chilli sauce.

Wednesday: My main iron meal of the day was breakfast!  I made quinoa porridge (well it was half oats, half quinoa), with soy milk, honey, frozen berries and topped with a little bit of granola.  That is a tip I offer to you for your waistlines and your wallets - instead of having a whole bowl of granola (delicious as it is), make porridge instead and use granola as a topping.  It's working for me....and making my expensive box of it last much longer!

Thursday:  My iron rich meal of the day was lunch with my friend Tash at one of my favourite London restaurants, Saf.  We shared a cashew cheese and flax cracker starter, and then I tucked into the detox salad:

My salad was mostly kale, but also had spinach, rocket, fresh parsley, cucumber, arame kelp, wakame seaweed, sprouted mung beans, sprouted lentils, radish and avocado, drizzled with lemon-omega oil dressing.  I got a bit of tofu with it too.

To drink, given my iron challenge I could not order any other drink from the menu but the Iron White super smoothie!! It had dates, coconut water, almond milk, lucuma powder and crushed walnuts.

No room for dessert.....but there was a glass of chenin blanc an hour or so later!

Friday:  To finish off our week of operation iron maiden, I made a broccoli pizza.  Somehow Friday night always says "pizza" to me!   Again, tomato (vitamin C) with broccoli, perfect combo.  Maybe the real cheese  (calcium) negated some of the absorption though.  Broccoli on a pizza, however, simply cannot fail to make you feel virtuous and nourished and this one certainly did.  I made the base in the bread machine too, which made the house smell like a pizzeria.

***

So, the big question.....did operation iron maiden work?  I think it did.  Tom and I both had some early starts and long days last week, where we were up at 6am and then kept going until midnight, and we weren't nearly as tired as we had been the week before.  I noticed the "feeling charged" effect almost instantly after eating certain foods too.  I am convinced broccoli has magical powers now, I will never leave it to die in my crisper again as in days of old!

I had a few other iron rich recipes to try last week that I didn't get round to so they will make an appearance on the Latte dinner table this week.  I was planning to try molasses in warm milk at bedtime too, if the amped-up iron factor of our meals didn't have the desired effect, but I really noticed the difference just with more mindful meal planning.  Tom has reported far more energy and more satiety after the iron rich meals.  I too didn't feel the need to snack as much either.  Perhaps it's the result of oats every day for breakfast as well?

I think what this experiment showed me, besides that iron rich meals really do make a difference to your energy levels, is that putting thought and effort into eating well will always have a positive outcome.  Being conscious of the nutritional content of your meals, and how best to combine different nutrients so you get the most benefit, not to mention just mixing it up and trying some new things, will leave you feeling pretty good!

So now the holy trinity for my meal planning is protein, carbs and iron!

How are your iron levels?  Have you done an experiment like this before?  How do you make sure you get enough iron?

fluttering

We had a nice, somewhat spur-of-the-moment trip to London on Saturday, where the flags from the Diamond Jubilee are still a'fluttering, as you can see.  We went up because I was the winner of the lucky door prize at a launch I went to a few weeks ago, which was two tickets to a show at the Royal Opera House, complete with behind the scenes tour beforehand!  

Getting out of London by car on a Saturday was always a nightmare when we lived there, but the journey in by car was surprisingly easy - only an hour!  We parked near our former flat and it was nice to see the old place again.  I was a bit miffed when I saw that the landlord had finally made the improvements I had asked them for for about a year (but in fairness that was the only way they would get another tenant in, the place was falling apart!) but overall the neighbourhood hadn't changed and it was nice to wander around all our old haunts into the main arteries of the city, thinking wow, this all so amazing and it all used to be on our doorstep. I've been to London many times since we left - I was commuting in for a while! - but going back to our old neighbourhood, where Tom and I began our married life, tugged at the heart a little.

Later, after a day wandering around places I used to see every nearly day (Victoria, St James Park, Piccadilly, Seven Dials), over gin and tonics waiting for the performance at the Royal Opera House, I asked Tom why we had never been to the ROH before, when it had been practically around the corner from us for years, and when we had the money to be far more extravagant than one G&T each :)  He didn't really have an answer, nor did I.  It's funny how you don't really think about these things until you don't have them any more.  Our move to the country has been a really good one for us in so many ways, and so many Londoners I know want nothing more than to escape to the country for a quieter, more pared back existence, but that night, at that moment, I wanted to be back there, walking those streets again that I have walked so often I think (to paraphrase Sylvia Plath's "Mirror") they are a part of my heart; to put a key into the door of a flat where you can hear Big Ben chiming in the distance and the rattle of a tube train underneath; to feel the grit of that bustling, steamy, noisy place on my skin again.

But I don't miss feeling permanently pissed off, the way I did when I lived there.  And perhaps permanently is the wrong word; it was just a subtle feeling that hung about, a rose not quite in bloom.  It would lay dormant for a while but would flare up if a cyclist or car went through a zebra crossing I was already halfway across, or if I got shoved every which way on a peak hour tube or bus, or if I got caught behind a crowd of people who had stopped on a corner for no reason.  I have a very acute sense of justice and am not really able to understand why people are discourteous when there's no call for it, I tend to take it a bit personally.   London isn't really a place to indulge that side of yourself, I found.  You definitely have to harden up, which I did.  There's a lot of brutality and harshness in the city which you learn to cope with but by the same token there is also so much beauty, everywhere you look.  There is kindness, joy, laughter, celebration, and people helping each other.  It is possible to go from one extreme to the other within a block, really.  And when London does come together as a community, the place radiates.  It's a complex and beautiful place, with so much history, so much pride.  While some aspects of life there I could do without, I will never tire of it.  And I miss it.  I wonder if we'll ever go back.

And the performance at the Royal Opera House was superb, impeccable.  If you want a real night out in London do go and see a show there, do a tour if you feel so inclined (if you're interested in history, you'll love it) and have a drink in the champagne bar under the grand sparkling glass arches of the old Covent Garden flower market.   For not that much money you can have a rather decadent and entertaining evening, sipping a drink at the bar, people watching, surrounded by gentlemen in black ties and smelling expensive perfume in every direction.  A lovely window into a lovely side of London ;)

Thank you for your lovely comments on last week's post too, by the way :) xxx

monday mantra

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confessions from a fitting room

I didn't feel like doing Hungry Thursday today, and thought perhaps I'd do "tell you something embarrassing about myself Thursday" instead :)

Well, actually, I'm hoping some of you will come out of the closet (or fitting room!) and tell me you do the same thing.  Or maybe it will be one of those naked at the school assembly kind of situations!

I have a few confessions actually.  The first is that while this blog isn't updated as much as it should be (or as much as I would like), I can assure you there is a veritable cutting room behind the scenes.  I write posts, or get halfway through them, and then the "this is boring/dumb/irrelevant/too risky" thoughts start happening and I lose heart and hit "save draft" instead.  I can't tell you how many draft posts I have sitting out the back.....well, actually I can.....92.  That's quite prolific, don't you think?  And a bit sad too.  The moment for most of those thoughts has passed now, but when I occasionally reread them I wish I had shared them at the time.  Some of my favourite posts are ones that I hesitated hitting "publish" on.  And they seem to be some of your favourites too :)  So maybe I should just stop fucking censoring myself.  Yes, I said fuck. I realise it's not the most ladylike habit but I say it a lot! (I had to curb the habit on the visit home though, around my young nephews and niece, and didn't always succeed.  Whoops!)

For most of my life, certainly my adult life, it has been all about presenting the nicest, shiniest, most likeable Phil to the world.  I'm a bit over that, to be honest.  I just want to be who I am.  And who I am is a sensitive, complicated woman who at the moment is wavering between two extremes - absolute certainty and utterly crippling self doubt.  I am also a woman who is loved and supported, and who is loving and supportive in turn; who is giving her biggest dreams in life a shot; who is not prepared to let life pass her by; who wants to do good in the world; who wants to live a life that matters.  I have my flaws but I want to embrace those and start using them to my advantage instead of trying to beat them out or starve them into submission.  I'm tired of worrying about what other people think.   It's exhausting and, I'm discovering, unnecessary.  Liking or approving of me is not up to other people.  It's up to me.

Which is a radical thing to say when I have been so dependent on external validation for most of my life.  In effect, this blog too has been about presenting the nicest, shiniest, most likeable Phil to the world.  It is a conscious editing of my life.  I show you the things I'm happy for you to see, that I'm comfortable with you knowing.  Everything else - the uglier, needier, riskier stuff - gets hashed out in my journal, or with my husband, friends and family.  And that's probably a good thing.  After all, this is the Internet and I have been burned by revealing too much in the past.  I know my critics will take however much or little I reveal and twist it to suit themselves anyway.  The good thing is that as I've got older I've felt less of a need to share absolutely everything.  But I would like to feel less censored, and to do more on here, to really lift my game and show you that there is more to me than weight loss, nice pictures of things I cook, positive thinking and marathon running.  So much more.

There have been a few WTF moments over the past week.  It may have something to do with Venus being in transit but mostly they involved me realising that life is pretty great and all the things I worry about and torture myself about are based on old ideas/perceptions of myself or things that happened or that were said to me or about me five, ten, even twenty years ago.   I'm really tired of letting those things hold me back.    It is my choice to let these things still upset me or affect whether I hit "publish" on a post or not.

And I don't know why I ignore the evidence I have in front of me.  I have the power and ability to change things; to set goals and reach them.  Every time I take a risk, it pays off (even if it isn't straight away).  Every time I leave my comfort zone, my life is all the better for it.   It's just that some days I catch myself acting like the me of ten years ago, the girl who was too scared to fill the car up with petrol by herself in case people pointed at her and laughed (it did happen once, in my defence).  That terrifies the hell out of me.  But what the hell am I afraid of, after everything that I've been through?  I know I won't get anything done if I'm afraid, and I let the fear win.  It's a very convenient and seductive excuse.

I actually wrote this myself three years ago:

You'll get there if you believe in yourself. You'll get there if you understand that from every choice you make there is a result that will either bring your closer to or further away from what you want. You'll get there if you don't give up. You'll get there if you stop letting your frustration and desperation beat you. You'll get there if you want it badly enough. (from the post accountability)

Did I write that?!  I might need to print that out, I think ;)

(and at the same time, there's a part of me that's thinking really?  That was three years ago?  And you're still rehashing the same old crap?!) [please be quiet, Inner Critic.  Your job is easy.]

As I write this, there is a vegetable broth simmering away on my stove.  For the past few months I've saved all the offcuts of carrots, celery, peppers, leeks and any other vegetables and kept them in a bag in the freezer for making stock.  Now I've boiled everything up together.  Once it's ready I will strain away all the old vegetables, put them in the bin and keep the golden, clear, beautiful vegetable broth.  Which, now that it is free of all the bits that it doesn't need any more, is ready for its true destiny.

I'm sure you get the metaphor I'm going for here ;)

Thank you for allowing me this space to tell you what's going on in my head.  It helps writing it all down.  Five days out of seven I feel pretty great and not much scares me or gets on top of me; it's those two days where it's all just a bit too scary and bit too hard that sometimes overwhelm me.  I need to remember that days like that are normal and not a sign I am destined to get nowhere, and that I am worthy of the effort it takes to see a few more of my dreams become reality.  I fought for everything else, I will fight for this as well.

I also need to remember that if I want the body of a long distance runner I have to run long distances.  Ditto, I cannot follow the diet of a long distance runner if I am not running long distances.  That has possibly not been helping my freakouts and feelings of heaviness.  I too need to get back to biting it and writing it, I think.

Now, on to the mystery behind the title of today's post!  Not just a homage to Madonna but a rather weird idea I had while flicking through all the photos I've taken on my iPod touch since I bought it in January 2011.  It is such fun having a look through them, seeing a visual record of everything that was going on at that time.  There were pics from our late honeymoon in Madeira (which I will write about sometime, it was such fun!), marathon training shots, walks we used to do in our neighbourhood in Pimlico, bunches of flowers (does anyone else take photos of bunches of flowers for posterity, like I do?), meals I'd made, visits to Chez Bruce, then it went through  to India, my 30th birthday, the summer and moving to the country.  Such larks.

But I noticed many snaps among these ones - the detritus of failed shopping trips!!  When I go shopping alone and happen to be trying on clothes, I will often take photos on my phone or iPod of myself in them just to see what they "really look like", as if the mirrors in fitting rooms somehow can't be trusted.  And somehow, I think not.  I swear the mirrors in New Look are MUCH more flattering than other shops!  Anyway, there were so many of these snapshots!!  It's a bit embarrassing really!

Don't you just hate it when something looks better on the hanger than it does on you?!  Welcome to a typical Phil shopping trip!

In the spirit of no longer censoring myself, I thought, before I deleted them, I would show you some pics of me pulling silly faces in clothes I did not buy....except for the Abbey Road t-shirt.  I bought that.

Those polka dot shorts looked like jammies on me!
I actually do wish I'd got the white cardigan,
but I probably would have spilled something on it by now!

Aargh!  Yellow is SO not my colour!! 

Embracing my inner Frida Kahlo with the skirt on the left

Again with those polka dot shorts!! WTF?!

I was not drunk in these pictures! ;)
And what the hell is with all the ORANGE Phil?!  

I actually liked the top on the left but I just can't wear floaty tops
no matter how slim I am as they invite "when's it due?" stares!
And guess which store I'm in on the right?! 

So there you have it - something silly, something a bit random, something weird, something you might not have expected.

Expect a bit more of that kind of thing from now on :)

And, here's a little teaser for you, the opening scene of my novel is in a fitting room.  But, needless to say, my character does not take any pictures of herself in what she's trying on!  It is a far from pleasant experience for her but one that sets a whole chain of events in motion!

What about you?  Any fitting room confessions?  Thanks so much for reading xx

PS: Thank you Tam for telling me about the picture frame app :)

monday mantra

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